[REASONABLE SOUNDING MAIN TITLE (draw in the audience)]
[insulting tagline here (be edgy!)]
Provide an anecdotal explanation of the situation you would like to discuss – cite ‘your friends,’ ‘everyone,’ ‘people online,’ etc. Make sure to use a bunch of big words in this paragraph. The big words establish to readers that you are really smart. How else could you use words like “hypercapitalism” and “americentricism,” or even “neologism?” It is important to use these words, anecdotes, and vague references while aggressively asserting your premise. Do not use facts or an attempt to understand the other side. The other side is not your audience. The people who already agree with you are your audience.
Now that you have established what ‘everyone’ is doing, in this part of the piece you need to establish WHY they are doing it. Once again, do not use facts or statistics. Use anecdotes and vague references. Make sure to be insulting. The reader wants to live through you and imagine that they are telling everyone off.
This is the prescriptive part of the piece. You’ve established what everyone is doing, and why they are doing it, without facts or evidence. You’ve hit the line drive and ran to third base. Now you need to take it back to home. Tell ‘the bad group’ what they need to do! Don’t try to appeal to them. They won’t actually be reading at this point. Your purpose is to make the people who already agree with you feel good. It’s important that you are very arrogant here. Create an imaginary opponent in the mind’s eye of the reader, then make fun of that opponent. Look at you! You’re totally owning that imaginary person. Yeah! Good job!
Now that you’ve gotten everything in place, sprinkle in some irrelevant personal observations. Let us know something you’ve always thought, or been concerned about. Tell us something you’ve always noticed. It doesn’t have to be relevant to the supposed subject at hand – the issue – but rather the actual subject discussed – you, and how cool you are.
Pick a cool image to be the header of your piece, and make sure to ask us to follow you on Twitter.
What does it look like upon completion? Here are a couple recent examples from Vice:
Here’s one from the Huffington Post, where the author tells us some negative things they insist non-black minorities do, then instructs those non-black minorities on how to correct their behavior per the author’s personal standards:
This last one ^ reminds me a bit too much of how ‘negative eugenics’ proponents spoke of Jewish people having ‘behavioral issues’ without sufficient reasoning to back up their claims. There’s the same pseudointellectual tone, the same appeal to inadequate evidence, and the same assertion of a racial group having some collective defect. Before anyone asks: yes, I am saying that the author of the above-linked article reminds me of Nazis. It is my sincere opinion.
Now get out there, follow this guide, and go get that ad revenue!